I have used the phrase many a time before…
“Ok Olivia” I grimly say. “Time to put on your big girl panties…” and I shake my head and sigh as I metaphorically turn to look at something that I wish I didn’t have to deal with. Of course the not wanting to deal with it is not fully true. When we face our shit, we always feel better and I know that. It just sometimes comes with a groan. However, while speaking to one of my teachers this morning and using that phrase, she responded with, “You know, I always think that big girl panties should be a black lace thong” I laughed out loud and felt the resonance ripple through my body.
Once our conversation was complete, I hung up the phone and began thinking about what she said. Every time I use that phrase, I see the image of my daughter’s little white cotton panties covering her toddler bum. It IS always and HAS always been a very childish image that I conjure up and yet a phrase that I am using for grown up scenarios. Interesting dichotomy…and quite honestly, no wonder I stay stuck. My words and my thoughts are perpendicular. They do not match and thus I have been sending out mixed signals to the Universe. I decided to mentally “try on” big girl panties that were a black lace thong instead. What did that evoke in me?
I close my eyes and drop into meditation… I saw myself slipping them on. I began to imagine high heels and a form fitting dress with low lights while I brush my hair getting ready for the evening. The imagery conotated my man and I
getting ready to go out for drinks with friends – wait no, it’s actually a work function we are attending for his company. In this daydream, this fantasy, this meditation, I see myself as a grown ass woman and it’s business time. There is work to be done tonight. It’s the kind of evening where you have to chat with people you don’t fully know, but he works with all the time. Where you are warm, open and conversational. This requires being a good listener, welcoming seeming strangers into your space with grace and curiosity. Holding your own as the confident and articulate woman you are. The woman that I AM.
Warmth, openness, conversation…Grace, curiosity, confidence… Yup, THIS is the type of emotion, strength and subtle power I want to embody when handling my business.
In the past, being a “big girl” has meant not just taking responsibility, but taking ALL the responsibility; for things that weren’t mine. I would take it from people who should have been taking it for themselves and while I was busy cleaning up their side of the street as well as mine, they were off making a mess somewhere else and not actually doing any of their own work. In the past I thought that the only way I could be responsible was to be responsible for it all. Which is just as fear based and limiting as taking NO responsibility.
It never ceases to amaze me how quickly I can tip off the high wire of balance and authenticity into an unholy ego space. It’s good though. It keeps me on my toes. It keeps my hungry and disciplined and always willing to see things differently. And I am grateful for that.
What do YOUR big girl panties look like? How about how they make you feel? Because that’s what REALLY matters.
All my love,