It’s 2am and I’m finding myself wide awake and somewhat irritable. My body is tired, my stomach is empty and I wake up thinking about all the “shoulds” of my life. Experience has taught me that going down this rabbit hole is not productive – especially at 2am…So what do I do, how do I handle these thoughts to prevent implosion while obsessing about how I do what I’m supposed to do.
And I mean the big ‘supposed to do.’ Like what I am supposed to do here, on this earth. The divine contract my soul made with this lifetime and this physical body. I get SO caught up in what I think it’s supposed to look like. I spend all kinds of time in my brain pulling up messages and concepts from the past 31 years and then I try to figure out which combination is the perfect combination to create success. Holy shit, just writing it stresses me out.
I compare. I’m a comparer. I compare my insides to other people’s outsides. And worse, it’s simply my perception of their outsides. Sidenote, that basis for deduction literally doesn’t even make sense. No wonder I drive myself crazy, feel so tired and expend a bunch of precious energy. It’s unproductive. It’s unloving. When we overly focus on how we perceive something is ‘supposed’ to look, the biggest disservice of all is that we don’t allow our own flavor to come through. At the mere glimpse of any of my Olivia-ness, I tell myself ‘no, no, that is a silly thought, incorrect action or futile desire.’ I judge. I’m a judger. Gross. What a dis-heartening message? ‘Your desire is futile.’ I have 2 young boys and a little lady and I could never imagine telling them such a thing. I’d be the crusher of dreams!? An evil monster mom who takes away all the magic!
And in fact I believe in magic. I believe in desire. Just writing it makes me tear up so I know it’s my truth.
So here I sit, an hour later, having written out all the stuff in my brain. Now what happens? I’m still tired, but not as agitated. I still don’t know if I’ll make enough money (how much is that by the way?) or if I’ll be where I think I should be by the end of the year. I still don’t know a lot of things that awoke me in the wee hours of this morning. So maybe I’ll start with what I do know…
- I know I’ve been to some really scary places. Physically and emotionally, yet I’m still here and actually, I’m the best I’ve ever been.
- I know I’ve had three babies that have altered the course of my life incredibly and unexpectedly and beautifully.
- I know my mom loves me and she is proud of me.
- I know that I’m built for something. Something special. Maybe it’s macro, maybe it’s micro. But it’s something other than living within the lines of 9 to 5.
- I also know that I am scared. I get scared and I hesitate. Yet even though I hesitate, I still eventually move forward. I still eventually say it out loud, name my fears, apologize for my mistakes and trust my heart
- And for sure I know that trusting my heart always feels better. It feels more aligned and more true. At least for me.
I also know, and am reminded in this moment, that catharsis is tiring. Crying and letting out emotion makes me tired so I’m pretty sure I’ll go back to sleep soon. A calmer mind, a lighter vibration and a reconnected spirit. In this moment I think of all the ways in which my life and my experiences have occurred in a purposeful, divine and rebuilding way. How everything has happened for a reason and how each step has prepared me for the next. I have risen to many a challenge, albeit maybe awkwardly and fearfully, yet still risen and walked away a more intentional and loving woman. So I’ll stick with that. I stick with the knowledge that my path will continue to unfold perfectly and I will end up where I am supposed to end up. And that it will all be ok.
It will be the same for you. I know it.