Every time I need my Mom, she isn’t here. Seriously, she’s like in Maine visiting her old friends, or in Florida on a vacation, or on a cruise or at her second home. There have been a handful of occasions, big, sometimes tough emotional occasions that I have experienced and she was not here close to me. So much so that it has become a bit of a joke between us… “Of course you aren’t here Mom. When I need you the most, you aren’t here.”
But here is a relative term. I think sometimes we think here means a physical proximity. That somehow if we are closer to the issue we are better able to solve it. But that’s just the thing, we aren’t supposed to solve it for other people. Especially the people we love, doubly especially for our children. Yes, there are times when closeness is wanted and needed and by all means give it. We are beings that thrive on physical contact. However, let our desire to fix other’s discomfort not be motivated by our own discomfort while watching them struggle. [tweetthis remove_twitter_handles=”true”]Let our desire to fix other’s discomfort not be motivated by our own discomfort while watching them struggle. [/tweetthis]
Each time there has been an intense growth spurt for me or an obstacle I needed to face, I faced it on my own, physically. However, spiritually, emotionally and ethereally, she was always there, on the other end of the phone or within my consciousness. And that was how it had to be. Because you see, I struggle with confidence. I struggle with belief in myself and owning my own decisions and choices. I don’t place enough value on my own intuitive nudges and have always felt like I needed others, in particular my mother, to give me the green light on something before I make a choice. Each time she was not nearby to be my physical crutch, it guided me inward to discover my own strength and capabilities. For that, I am incredibly thankful.
Just now, I was sitting and nursing my daughter to sleep. I was meditating on the CHURCH service that had just occurred. I was thinking about what I will do for the next one and then of course chuckling to myself internally as I thought, ‘and of course Mom wasn’t here.’ But then I also thought of the handful of times that she and I were talking about this event and coming up with ideas of what to structure it around. In each one of those moments, my truth was that I didn’t really want her to be here. I wanted to do it on my own. So as I sat with my daughter, I realized that I felt like an adult.
I held an event, I ran it by myself and when I returned home I shifted gears into Mom mode in order to direct my oldest to do his homework, put my youngest to nap and let my sweet middle guy play some games for a bit so I could complete the creation that is coursing through me right now. I feel like an adult… It may sound silly being that I am 32 years old and I have 3 children – outward qualities of an “adult” I suppose – but often, I don’t feel so big. Often I still feel too young or too little or too inexperienced or too not enough of whatever I have deemed necessary to be… Jeeze, there I go again with those pesky judgments and arbitrary evaluations…
As usually happens when downloads start to occur, things move pretty quickly in my brain and I began to ponder the reason for my mother never being in the same physical proximity during all these big life changing endeavors – positive or negative. It’s like the baby bird flying out of the nest for the first time. Of course she is not here, how could I strengthen my wings if she is hovering over me every second? I would never be able to get any height. I need lift off and that can only come from me. A plane, a bird, a whatever, builds up momentum and steadily increases its height. It does not get bolstered up out of its comfortable flying altitude by the false reassurance of the mama bird below it. What would happen when she eventually leaves? (This is of course presuming that the mama bird would eventually leave which doesn’t always happen, but that is a completely different post). Would the baby bird be able to sustain on its own? Or would it go crashing back down to earth due to its wings not having had enough experience establishing its own appropriate altitude?
Over indulging or over bolstering our children simply creates too many high highs and low lows for them. Sometimes life creates those and we find ourselves or our children in turbulence. But it is our own wings, it is their own wings that must be prepared and seasoned to steady the flight.
So thank you Mom, for not being here today. Thank you for allowing me to test my own wings and establish ownership of my path. Today, every day before and every day in the future.