I’ve had three children by three different men.
There I said it. It’s my biggest embarrassment, I try to keep it a secret and I hate when it comes up in conversation.
My friend Ann said to me the other day, “So what? They got here how they got here. It’s not a judgment, it’s just an IS.”
We all have our stuff. And we all have these preconceived notions of what our “stuff” means about us. But consider the source. When we place these labels and judgments upon ourselves, consider the source. Who are the theys that we are referencing when thinking ‘what will they think of me’? Where are the furrowed eyebrows and whispers coming from? Are they from your inner circle? Are they from those that you call your tribe? I doubt it. And if they are, well, then it’s time to find a new tribe my dear.
My lower back has been out for weeks now. I cannot seem to stretch it out or Pilates it out or yoga it out. It occurred to me that maybe there is something else going on that I am not looking at. Something more esoteric in nature. That’s one of the gifts of our physical body. It will manifest any dysfunction that lies within our spiritual or emotional bodies. It will force us to stop and ask us to become more aware. Our job is to listen. It should also be noted that this lower back deal relates to the sacral chakra, which governs our relationships with sex, money and power. It’s where we women grow our babies. It’s our shakti. The sacred power of creation and birth.
During a recent breathing exercise with a particular speaker I was listening to, I noticed how difficult it was for me to inhale. My exhales were slow and deep and powerful. I am comfortable with them. My inhales were tight, restricted and shallow. I had to force them to be anything longer than a 2 count. Why? Because I was too busy sucking in my gut while I was sitting down. I didn’t want people around me to see how my belly spilled over my pants. It’s really hard to breathe deeply and from your hara when you are simultaneously trying to suck it in…
“The keys to the kingdom are within us” he said, quoting wise words of the past. “So if the keys to the kingdom are already within us, there is a lot of significance in claiming your body.”
Whoa. Claim my body? Even this soft squishy part around my midsection? It immediately crystallized for me. I realized I have shame in my midsection, in my sacral chakra area. I hold shame for the fact that my children are all from different fathers. I hold shame because it doesn’t look the way I want it to look. I have stretch marks and a loose skin baby belly. I hold shame because I am afraid of what others will think of me when they learn of my past.
When speaking with a dear friend this morning, she reminded me that it’s our job to pull back the curtain. It is my job to pull back the curtain so others may see the real me. In return, I lovingly welcome each and every time you pull back yours. How else will we claim our space? How else will I claim my body and acknowledge the shakti that wants to evolve from birthing children to birthing a book?
The Divine irony of all of this, is that these men, these pregnancies, these babies; they are all the experiences that have created my practice. They are the reason I have the type of medicine I have when a client comes to my table. They ARE my power source.
Do not be ashamed of your power.[tweetthis remove_url=”true”]Do not be ashamed of your power.[/tweetthis]